Todd Howard should just post his nudes already

Y’know, despite my past intentions to get a job as a legitimate “gaming journalist” (a term that is almost meaningless nowadays), I rarely actually follow gaming news. Anyone who’s taken even a cursory glance at this blog can figure out my journalistic style: Make a small, silly observation and blow it up to ridiculous proportions. That seems to have worked out pretty well for me so far, so I’ve never felt the need to keep up with game stories that I wasn’t personally involved in.

And yet, there is one piece of games-related news I have indeed been keeping up with lately — and it’s somehow managed to get much bigger and far more astonishingly stupid than anything I could ever concoct on my own.

I don’t mean to brag, but…

NAILED IT.

Happy April Fool’s Day!

 

Obligatory Legal Crap

I’d like to assume I don’t need to do this for a joke post, but for the record, I’m not affiliated with Nintendo. Nor am I a ballerina, a lemur, or a quasar in deep space if we’re going to point out everything I’m not.

…That’d be cool if I was, though.

Happy Pi Day, everyone!

This post brought to you 3/14/15 at 9:26.

RuPaul’s Drag Race: Snatching Our Attention

I love all types of games. Video games will always be close to my heart, but that doesn’t mean I have any less respect for board games, card games, sports, reality competitions, or game shows. And hey, on the note of those last two, Ru Paul’s Drag Race has finally kicked off season 7 this week! As the nation’s biggest competition for drag performers, the show has aired annually since 2009 and has become a staple of the Logo TV network. It’s been such a success that it even managed to find its way onto an episode of Jeopardy.

Although each episode contains its own brand of humor, creativity, and unpredictability as the queens duke it out in a test of showmanship, one particular task keeps fans talking every year, even before it airs. It is perhaps the hardest challenge in the game, and is definitely one of the greatest tests of skill and focus.

Halloween Special: Playing with Dolls

Today is Halloween! Those of you that were here last year might recall that I celebrated by discussing a spoopy spooky head canon concerning the game Sonic & Knuckles. Since this series has been a hobby of mine for well over three quarters of my life now, I have no shortage of head canons to talk about, and today we’re going to explore the one you’ve all been waiting for. The one that every Sonic fan mentions at least once every October.

Oh yes, my friends. Today, we’re going to discuss the infamous Tails doll, and what exactly makes it tick.

Treat it like a weeping angel: Don’t blink.

Customer Service: Nintendo’s Doing it Right

While July 1st typically conjures thoughts of impending fireworks and barbecues for the average American, there is a certain breed of nerd for whom it’s New Years Day.

Club Nintendo, aka one of the sneakiest vehicles for market research on the planet, is a free membership program offered by Nintendo to its consumers. By registering the PIN codes included with specific game titles, gamers can earn coins that can then be used to for reward items in exchange for answering a short survey. If a user manages to accumulate 300 coins within one calendar year, that user achieves Gold status; those that earn twice that amount achieve Platinum. For whatever reason, Club Nintendo’s calendar begins its year on the first of July. This is significant because it also resets the counter tracking new coins. The previously earned coins are still there, and can still be spent on rewards, but each member’s progress toward achieving Gold or Platinum status is returned to zero after June 30th.

Well, last night was Club Nintendo’s new year’s eve, and I realized that I was still 70 coins shy of achieving Gold for the year. If it was purely a pat-on-the-back sort of ranking, I wouldn’t care if I reached it or not, but Club Nintendo offers a special free gift for its Gold and Platinum members each year. So far I’d managed to reach at least Gold for the last six years, and I wasn’t about to let 230 coins go to waste. Looking over my game shelf, I noticed that I still hadn’t opened New Super Mario Bros. U, which came bundled with my WiiU. I figured that it’d at least get me a big chunk of the way toward my goal (especially since it also contained the Luigi expansion), so I shredded the plastic wrap and cracked open the case — only to find it absent of a PIN code.

Figuring the PIN was simply missing, I decided to call up Club Nintendo to have it manually added to my account. I scoured the website and tracked down the toll free number, and after wading through the menu system, I found myself on hold to speak with a representative.

And that’s when I discovered that Nintendo is brilliant.

Many of you will recognize this as the daytime theme to Hyrule Field in The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. As it turns out, it’s also the hold music on Nintendo’s hotline.

This is nothing short of genius on their part. Ocarina of Time is not only one of Nintendo’s most wildly successful titles, but it’s considered by many to be one of the greatest games of all time. There’s a very good chance that the people calling them up will be at least mildly familiar with the song, and upon realizing that it’s a tune from such a beloved title, they’ll probably be in a better mood. This is exactly what happened to me when I was on the phone last night; I can’t even tell you how long I was on hold, because I was so giddy over the fact that a Zelda song was being used as the hold music that I spent my time jamming along in my seat instead of getting impatient or annoyed.

Furthermore, my attitude once I got to talk to a representative was significantly better than it probably would’ve been otherwise. I ultimately received bad news from the gent helping me; apparently bundled games aren’t eligible for Club Nintendo points, but I was in such high spirits, the news really didn’t bother me that much. Instead I thanked the guy for his help and told him that the hold music was a very pleasant surprise. He chuckled and said that they get that a lot.

In light of what I learned last night, I’m kinda tempted to start calling up other game developers just to see if they too have done anything fun with their hold music. It really is something that more companies need to adopt; if someone’s calling customer service, they obviously have a problem, and given that some waits can be upwards of an hour or more, having good music can probably go a VERY long way toward making customers feel better about their outcomes, even if they didn’t get what they wanted.

 

Obligatory Legal Crap

I am in no way affiliated with Nintendo, Club Nintendo, or Legend of Zelda. I’m just a geek that found myself wanting to hook up my N64 after I got off the phone with customer service.

The Secret Legend of Princess Zelda

Well, I’m sure I don’t have to tell you by now that the interwebs are buzzing like a hive of fangasming hornets about the plethora of reveals made at E3 so far. Gamers around the globe have been inundated with so much new information that many folks can’t even pick a topic to squeal about, which I quickly noticed when a friend of mine IMed me as soon as I got online and covered three different topics in a single sentence.

Among the many reveals Tuesday was Nintendo’s announcement of a new collaborative spin-off for the Legend of Zelda series. Partnering with Tecmo Koei, Hyrule Warriors offers a departure from the typical LoZ dungeon crawl and keeps a much tighter focus on the combat. Between the Dynasty Warriors-esque gameplay style, the abundance of playable female characters, and Link’s decision to partake in the trend of protagonists sporting rad new scarves, there’s been a lot of chatter in the last 48 hours.

Leaving that much vital chest area exposed doesn’t seem very wise for the person the holding the Triforce of Wisdom.

Zelda in particular has been getting a lot of the attention. While this isn’t the first time she’s been playable, one would think that the series’ title character would’ve had a lot more active roles by now as opposed to spending the bulk of the last 25 years as the proverbial carrot on a stick. Furthermore, the only two games in which Zelda is actually the protagonist are sorta… well… they’re not quite… they… okay they suck. For this reason, many a fan is celebrating the news that we’ll all be able to assume the role of the iconic princess without having to bother with possessing phantoms, entering a fighting tournament, or obtaining outrageously rare hardware and software that isn’t even fun to play.

But perhaps the bigger news is the fact that we’ve all played as Zelda plenty of times before without even realizing it.

Leedzie’s Loopholes: Survivor Shelter Shortcut

As this is an equal opportunity gaming blog, today we’re going to step away from video games to have a look at one of our country’s most demanding and unforgiving competitions: Survivor. Inspired by the 1997 Swedish survival show Expedition Robinson, Survivor premiered in the United States in 2000, and quickly took the country by storm. Now, 14 years and 28 seasons later, the series continues to run strong by innovating new rules, formats, and play styles.

Each time a new season is announced, millions of diehard fans flock to auditions in hopes of earning their chance to outwit, outplay, and outlast their peers for that sweet, sweet $1,000,000 — and I am NOT one of them. Don’t get me wrong, I want to play the games and prove my strength and possibly win enough money to set my family for life, but unless they’re giving me free birth control pills for 39 days, I have no intention of dealing with my period when the nearest Aleve can only be reached by helicopter.

But even if it’s a game I never intend to play, that doesn’t mean I can’t still break it.

Countdown to the 12th Doctor

The moment of truth is nearly here: After months of waiting, Doctor Who‘s 50th Anniversary Special is finally airing simultaneously around the world. Those of you that read my season 7 finale theories can imagine my anxiousness to find out the truth, and as Whovians worldwide gear up for the big reveal, we also can’t help but revel in our fandom. BBC America, for example, has been airing nothing but Doctor Who episodes, movies, and TV specials nearly non-stop all week, and the internet has exploded with anticipation over the soon-to-arrive 12th Doctor. This blog is no exception, but I’m not talking about Peter Capaldi; I have my sights set on a different shapeshifting doctor.

Those that read this blog regularly may recall that there’s likely to be a 12th Doctor Eggman on the horizon for the Sonic the Hedgehog franchise as well. According to the preview image released for the upcoming animated series Sonic Boom, the characters are getting redesigned — some more drastically than others. As of this writing, we still have no preview of Eggman, which leaves a lot of speculation in the air. Will he be close to his current design? Will he harken back to a more classic style? Or will they invent a new look entirely to go with the new story?

As we anticipate the appearance of Doctor Who’s new face, I thought it might be fun to look back at the many faces of another oft-changing doctor while we wait for his new look as well.

Countdown to the 12th Doctor: #1

Along with the sketches of Mr. Needlemouse, the original set of Eggman drawings are one of the most important documents in Sega’s history. After all, a hero is only as good as its villain, and the proto-version of Eggman wasn’t even originally conceived as an antagonist. Without those initial drawings, I wouldn’t be writing this article at all. I feel obligated to devote the first segment of this series to this version of the character if just out of respect.